Singapore funeral etiquette: bai jin, what to write and what to say

Going to a Chinese wake in Singapore for the first time, or for someone you don't know well, can feel daunting. This guide explains how much bai jin to give, how to give it, what to write on a card or wreath, what to say to the family, and the customs to keep in mind.

A guide from Nirvana Hall of Remembrance. Customs vary between families, dialect groups and religions. When in doubt, follow the family's lead.

Bai jin: the condolence money

Bai jin is money given to the bereaved family to help with funeral costs. It is properly written 帛金 ("silk money", from the days when silk was given), though in Singapore it is often heard and written as 白金, because it is given in a white envelope.

How much to give

There is no fixed amount. What matters is your relationship with the person who passed away or with their family. As a rough guide:

• Odd-ending amounts. Many families give an amount that ends in an odd number, such as $31, $51 or $101, because even amounts are associated with happy occasions such as weddings. Others simply give round amounts like $50. Either is fine.
• Avoid amounts with a 4 in them, as 四 sounds like 死 (death).
• Colleagues often give together. A team collection with one envelope from the office is common and perfectly appropriate.

How to give it

• Use a plain white envelope, never a red one. Red is for celebrations.
• Use used notes rather than crisp new ones. New notes are for weddings and Chinese New Year, and can suggest the death was something you prepared for.
• Write your name on the back of the envelope, or on a small note inside, so the family knows who it is from.
• Hand it in at the registration table near the entrance of the wake. A family member or friend will record your name in the condolence book. You don't need to hand it to the immediate family yourself.
• PayNow is increasingly common. Many wakes now display a QR code at the table. Include your name in the reference so the family can thank you.

What to write

In the condolence book

Sign your name clearly, and add your company or how you knew the family if they may not recognise your name.

On a card or wreath

In English, a short, sincere message is best: "With deepest sympathy", "Our heartfelt condolences to the family" or "In loving memory". Common Chinese phrases include:

Wreaths and flower stands usually carry a ribbon with the phrase on one side and your name (or your company's) on the other. Florists in Singapore know these conventions and will help you choose.

What to say

• Keep it simple. "I'm so sorry for your loss" is enough. In Chinese, 节哀顺变 ("restrain your grief and take care") is the customary phrase to the family.
• Share a memory if you have one. Families are often comforted to hear how their loved one touched other people.
• Offer practical help if you are close: food, errands or help at the wake are often appreciated more than words.
• Avoid asking how the person died, comparing losses, or phrases like "it was their time", which can hurt even when meant kindly.

Customs at the wake

• What to wear: subdued colours such as white, black, grey or dark blue. Avoid red and bright, festive colours.
• Paying respects: on arrival, you may be invited to offer incense at the altar and bow three times before the portrait. If you are not comfortable doing so, a respectful bow on its own is fine. Families of other faiths may simply invite you to stand quietly for a moment.
• Staying a while: it is customary to sit for a time, often with drinks offered by the family. Tables are usually set with a tray of peanuts, sweets and red threads. You may tie a red thread around your finger to ward off bad luck. Your company is part of the comfort.
• Photographs: don't photograph the deceased or the altar without the family's permission.
• Leaving: don't say "goodbye" or 再见 ("see you again") to the family; simply leave quietly, or say "take care". Some families give visitors a red thread or a sweet as they leave, to carry away bad luck.
• Nothing goes home: by tradition, nothing from the wake should be brought into your house. Eat the sweets there or throw them away, and discard the red thread before you reach home.

If you cannot attend

You can still show your support:

• send a wreath or flower stand through a florist, with a ribbon message;
• give bai jin through a friend who is attending, or by PayNow if the family has shared their details;
• send a personal message to the family, and follow up in the weeks after the funeral, when visitors have gone and grief is often hardest.

Quick answers

How much bai jin should I give at a wake in Singapore?

There is no fixed amount; it depends on your relationship. As a rough guide: $30 to $50 for an acquaintance or neighbour, $50 to $100 for a friend or colleague, $100 to $300 for a close friend, and $100 to $500 or more for a relative. Students may give $10 to $30.

Should bai jin be an odd number?

Many families give an amount ending in an odd number, such as $31, $51 or $101, because even amounts are linked with happy occasions. Round amounts like $50 are also fine. Avoid amounts with a 4 in them, as 四 sounds like 死.

How do I give bai jin?

Put used notes in a plain white envelope (never red), write your name on the back, and hand it in at the registration table near the entrance of the wake. Many wakes now also accept PayNow; include your name in the reference.

What should I write on a funeral wreath or condolence card?

In English, a short message such as "With deepest sympathy" or "In loving memory". Common Chinese phrases are 沉痛哀悼 and 深切怀念 for any wake, 往生净土 at a Buddhist wake, and 安息主怀 at a Christian wake.

What should I say to the family, and what should I avoid?

"I'm so sorry for your loss" is enough; in Chinese, 节哀顺变. Avoid asking how the person died or saying "it was their time", and when leaving, don't say goodbye or 再见 to the family.

What should I wear to a Chinese wake?

Subdued colours such as white, black, grey or dark blue. Avoid red and bright, festive colours.

Also read: The days after a death: 头七, 七七, 百日 and 对年 · How to write a Qingming parcel (包袱) seal